Perfect Sense
by GeoffreyF
Summary: Camelot is a very, very sensible place. Honestly. Trust me. Crack.


**A/N: I have no real explanation for this.**

**Well, actually, I do. The idea was suggested by a really excellent oneshot called "Hypothetically" by PandaInTheStars that you should definitely check out. ****Having had that idea, it seemed only logical to take it to truly ridiculous lengths. As a result, much of the following piece of writing may be rather incoherent: this is by far the messiest thing I've ever published, for which I can only apologise.**

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Perfect Sense

It was just another normal day in Camelot. Nothing out of the ordinary happened at all, because it never does. Because Camelot is a very sensible place that always makes perfect sense. Boring as anything, it is. Yep.

For example, Gaius certainly did not wake to find his young protegee missing from his bed, because that _never_ happens. Merlin is far, far too responsible for that kind of thing. And afterwards, Gaius definitely didn't mutter and shake his head, because he absolutely trusts Merlin's judgement.

Merlin, being too level-headed to have crept out of the castle at the crack of dawn, was nowhere near the place where a giant dragon hypothetically landed in clear view of the walls of Camelot. This didn't happen, obviously, because Camelot has highly trained guards who would never ever miss a fifty-foot-long flying monstrosity landing right outside their gate.

Since neither Merlin nor Kilgharrah were anywhere near this forest clearing, there was no discussion of the fact that the great dragon had observed a certain morally justified sorceress with a highly legitimate claim to the throne lurking about in a completely non-suspicious manner.

But, for the purposes of this example, let us hypothetically assume that this discussion (ridiculous as it seems) did in fact take place. In that case, we can be sure that if Queen Guinevere had happened to interrupt the two on her morning ride, she would never have bought Merlin's explanation that he was preparing a giant dragon sculpture for Arthur's next birthday. She would have seen through this right away, because she is always so very good at observing what's going on around her.

"Oh, Merlin!" she absolutely would not have said. "What a gorgeous idea! I know Arthur will love it!"

At this, they did not, obviously, decide to take a largely deserted scenic route home, because remember, in this patently unfeasible scenario Merlin was just told about a certain completely three-dimensional witch in the vicinity.

But let us say, for the sake of argument, that they did. And if that happened (ridiculously unlikely as it is, of course), Morgana (the previously mentioned, impeccably groomed paragon of sanity), happening upon them, definitely did not launch into an ill-thought-out attack based purely upon visceral emotions.

But if Morgana had burst upon them, you can be sure that Arthur would have been nowhere near, having, naturally, highly important kingdom-running business to attend to. He most certainly didn't pop out of nowhere at the sound of his beloved's screams.

But let us pretend, just for a moment, that he did.

In that case, he would, of course, have been no match at all for Morgana's magic, for magic, having clearly defined rules under which it operates, can definitely be used to save a threatened sorcerer's life. But assume, just for a second, that these rules did not apply.

In that unlikely event, Merlin unequivocally did not step forward and utter a spell, because if he had done that, you can be absolutely, unambiguously, incontestably sure that the three people right there would have seen something like that, and Merlin's secret would be out. So Merlin didn't do that. No, sir. Because they would all have noticed. Arthur and Gwen, having, as they do, eyes, would have seen it. Morgana, having, as she does, a grasp of rudimentary deductive reasoning, would have realised Merlin's true identity. Of all this you can be completely, indubitably, _irrefutably_ confident. Utterly. Yep.

Ahem. Well. Anyway, absurd as it may seem, let's just imagine a scenario where Merlin _did_ save the day (Morgana, defeated, certainly did not manage to escape Camelot's unfailingly competent guards, and she certainly never dreamed of smirking, because she's far too classy for that, thank you) and somehow managed to do so without revealing his magic to the three people within a few yards of him (I know, I know, just go with it). Purely for the fun of it, why don't you come up with a comically far-fetched explanation for Merlin to give to Arthur? Go on! We're pretending Arthur isn't far too smart to fall for it!

Having done that, Arthur definitely didn't stop everything to plant a kiss on his wife, and even if he had you know there would have been absolutely no not-at-all-overwrought violins swelling in the background. This relationship being, of course, utterly natural and completely believable, you know that any actual interaction between the newlyweds on this occasion would have been totally organic.

Now picture this truly impossible scene: Arthur, having accepted that Merlin's notoriously heavy tread had sent Morgana flying in a special-effects shot we certainly hadn't seen before, definitely didn't tell Merlin begrudgingly that he's actually rather fond of him, because that kind of absurdity never, ever happens. If that happened, Merlin would see that Arthur was really his friend, and that he could stop trying so hard to keep his magic a secret. I mean, the very thought!

But remember, none of this even came close to happening, because Camelot is a very ordinary place. And even if it did happen, you can be sure that Merlin and Gaius didn't take dinner together at the end of the day, with Gaius gently rebuking Merlin for not following the letter of his advice.

What's that? You don't think that's so unlikely? Well, of course not. It's just unutterably twee.

But forget all that. A boring day in Camelot, that's what it was. Dull as dishwater. Because nothing exciting ever happens there. And what does happen there – all together now – _always makes perfect sense_.


End file.
